Tuesday, September 25, 2018
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Area Man instantly regrets picking up “pretty” hitchhiker

“She looked hot from a distance”

After picking up what appeared to be a uniquely pretty female hitchhiker, area resident John Pancakes knew he had made a horrible mistake when his passenger turned out to in fact be a drunk man in his late thirties. After watching Crested Butte’s Mardi Gras festivities from a local eatery, Pancakes decided it was time to head to his house in CB South. As he approached the hitching post at the edge of town, he noticed what looked to be an attractive woman in a pink gown with long black hair looking for a ride.
“I was thinking it was my lucky day,” said Pancakes. “Usually it’s natty dread rastas or Wasted State boys looking for a ride. When I saw it was a woman, I immediately decided I needed to pick her up.”
That’s where all the trouble began for Pancakes. As soon as the “lady” in question entered his 2001 Tacoma, Pancakes noticed she smelled strongly of tequila and had a full beard. “Now, I’m not the smartest guy in the room, but I put two and two together and realized pretty quickly my female passenger was nothing less than a hairy dude…and not a good looking hairy dude…a kinda disturbed looking hairy dude,” said Pancakes.
His passenger, as it turns out, was none other than Mike Chorn, who was crowned Ms. Mardi Gras during the parade. Chorn, still dressed in full drag regalia, had ended up at the hitching post by accident. “I wasn’t even looking for a ride, I just ended up there…trust me, I have no idea how,” said Chorn. “Then this guy comes along and offers me a ride, and I think he’s gonna take me back to town for a drink so I take him up on it.”
“Trust me, had I known I had just invited a smelly, drunk guy into my truck, I would have passed, thank you very much…his face looked like Rollie Fingers moustache had gone viral,” said Pancakes. “He kept on looking at me with lust in his eyes and his disturbingly hot pink lipstick made him look like the ass end of one of those African babboons.”
Chorn, at that point in the throes of full blown intoxication, claims he didn’t know what he was doing. “Honestly, man, pretty much the last thing I can remember is getting in the car, the rest of the night is just kinda blank.”
According to Pancakes, he dropped of Chorn at the POA in CB South. “Yeah, I dropped him off, but not after he started to suggestively ask if I was going to be doing anything for Gay Ski Week.”
“Listen, I don’t know what that Pancakes guy is talking about,” said Chorn. “I’m the straightest dude there is. Pork rinds and Budweiser…that’s me!”
Chorn woke up the next morning in front of the Cold Stone Creamery in Montrose.
“Honestly I have no idea how I ended up there, but it must have been a good night, I’ll tell you that much!,” Chorn said.
 

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