Sunday, November 18, 2018
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CBMR to extend ski season due to prime snow conditions

“It’s nuking out there…”

Call the weather pattern  ‘La Nina’ or simply  ‘La Nina Loco’, but the National Oceanic and Atmospherics Administration (NOAA) mid-range weather forecast is calling for the Rocky Mountain region to see feet and feet of more snow this spring into early summer. That’s good news for skiers as the ski resort is planning to extend the season.
Predictions are calling for regular snowstorms continuing into early June above 7,500 feet. The new mid range forecast says conditions have set up so that wave after wave of Pacific moisture will stream into the central Colorado Rockies. The new forecast has Crested Butte Mountain Resort announcing an extension of the ski season. The cost of spring pass prices can be found by calling the resort.
“I doubt we will stay open as late as June but we foresee keeping the lifts running until the end of May,” said CBMR COO Kent Stone. “We already have a near record base and to see the forecast, it just keeps coming. We feel we may as well throw the locals a bone and we’ll try to market to those families that have spring breaks in May. It’s just getting good out there.”
“Our mid-range and even long-range forecast says there will be severe storm warning each and every week into May and possibly June,” said William Hankin of NOAA and a part-time forecaster for the Crested Butte Avalanche Center.  “We are talking severe winter snow warnings. It’s weird. We’ve never seen a pattern set up like this.”
CB News editor Mark Reaman, upon hearing the news, said his first reaction was to “write one of my over-the-top finger-pointing, name-calling, makes-me-want-to-puke editorials. But frankly, I ran out of rant with Korkowski.”
“We’ll market to all those poor souls in unfortunate places that are warm and sunny and get those depressed people up here. Now, we know the planes won’t be flying into Gunnison then but no one was on the planes during the regular winter anyway,” said Stone.
“The NOAA forecast was truly something to behold when it landed on my desk,” added CBMR President Tim Mueller. “Nothing but blue and green over Crested Butte as far as the radar would go.”
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“We had definitive confirmation of that forecast a couple days ago when we let Ethan out of his cave and he didn’t see his shadow before heading back down to Ruthven’s office. Once we saw that he didn’t see the shadow, there was no doubt in our mind over here in the Axtel building what direction we had to go. We threw Lil ‘E a stale snack and got on with the decision.”
“We knew we had to do something when my powcam just got buried,” added Daren Cole sporting a blue Cressi snorklet and spear gun. “Get the snorkel? It means there’s a lot of snow out there and I need it to breath if I ever go skiing. I hear skiing is pretty fun. We once had a Power Point presentation on the fun of skiing. It looks really great.
“I’ll talk about skiing in my meeting today and anyone that doesn’t get it will get a little of this,” he continued as he waved the spear gun around his head. “Can you say calamari, cowboy?”
“It’s nukin’ out there…again,” commented Pete Fiameeni as he came out of the executive bathroom. Fiameeni is always first at the rope drop since he doesn’t have much work anymore and is considered a snow expert from some inside the Axtel. “Hey, This could bring back the beacon policy. I still have a 1972 pieps in my pants that only I use anymore.”
“That’s actually correct,” confirmed visiting Japanese scientist Yakahama Shasheemi. “Not the pieps part but the fact it is nuking out there. Given the prevailing winds and Crested Butte’s unique altitude, our studies show that the stuff that won’t stop falling from the sky, isn’t actually snow at all. It shows up as blue and green and the radar and when you look at its origination point, well, let’s just say Fukushima.”
“Fukushima too,” replied an irate Fiameeni.
“Huh?” said the scientist. “That’s the place where the nuclear reactor is breaching. Anyway, at first we thought our breach had merely seeded the clouds and thus provided you with one of the finest spring winter storm events ever. Upon further analysis, it isn’t snow at all but it rides like the pow of dreams. Ahhh, nuclear winter does have a few benefits. Enjoy it now because things will be different in a few weeks. Can you say three-headed salamander people of Gunnison County?”
“Well, I say let’s enjoy the extended lift-served ski season,” chimed in Diane Mueller. “And changing our tag line to Ski Nuclear Winter has a ring to it. Who needs Snodgrass anyway? But now that I mention it, I’ve noticed Snodgrass is starting to glow in the dark and night skiing has always been one of our priorities. Can someone get me Charlie Richmond on the phone? Let’s apply for the permit!”
In what’s thought to be a related story, sales at local medical marijuana dispensaries have shot through the roof as the snow base piles up.

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