Dig Your Own grave

Cartman!

Note: Names have been changed to protect the insane.
Call the Dig Your Own Grave what you will.
A dumb-off.
Stupid.
Wait, what?
Fact is, given that the event has seen nothing but stellar weather conditions every year it’s held, and no one has been seriously hurt doing it, it’s definitely blessed by a higher power, whatever power that may be.
Have I done it? Hell no. The old saying goes, those who can’t do it, write about it, and that’s me.
Besides, back when I was young I saw a neighborhood kid fall off his skateboard while flying down a hill and grind the side of his face and his ear to a bloody pulp. You can’t unsee that.
In fact, that reminds me of the time my friend Craig Anderson was dunking on a classic local “dunk hoop” with a chain net and got his cheek caught on one of the loose chains. Gnarly.
Then there was the time one of our buddies was reaching into a Dumpster, back when Dumpster lids were steel and subsequently extremely heavy, and the lid came crashing down on the top of his head. As he fell back and asked us if anything looked wrong, a sizeable flap of skin and hair was folded back off the top of his skull. You had to see it to believe it and I wish I’d never seen it.
Anyway… eight DYOGers lined up Sunday afternoon at the top of Kebler Pass for a shot at the 2013 title. It was one of the strongest fields to date with former champions on hand, former competitors coming out of retirement and former pro mountain boarders/current Kings of Soul there to partake in the circus show of athleticism.
Furthermore, despite the government shut-down, officer McGilicuty from the Forest Service was nice enough to attend and ensure everything was copacetic.
While the competition is primarily a skateboard and target shooting event, a mountain biathlon of sorts, one seasoned veteran, Todd Cartman, is always pushing the boundaries of safety, sanity and gravity (and gravitas, for that matter). He cut his teeth on the competition on rollerblades but turned to a cart for his descent this year, a shopping cart to be exact (he is also the founder, and sole member, of the Crested Butte Carting Academy).
“The use of carts is what separates us from the animal kingdom,” Todd explained.
“It’s natural,” added Puddingrass. “What was the first thing you did as a kid—get in a shopping cart.”
It was further explained to me that some of the first things you hear as a human being are the sound of your mother’s heartbeat in the womb and the sound of a rattling shopping cart wheel while mom is grocery shopping. It was then that Todd’s choice made sense. Besides, what can I say? I’m easily convinced of pretty much anything.
Moon landing staged? Yep.
Thousands of Russian women want to meet me? Sure.
Nose grows out of man’s forehead? Seen it.
Holding a skateboard race down the west side of Kebler Pass during peak leaf-peeping season is a good idea? Well, it worked again so, yes it is.
At any rate, the King of Soul was the pre-race favorite picking a mountain board as his ride and rumors floating around the start arena that he was a former competitive mountain boarder.
Still, he had limited-to-no experience with target shooting and the DYOG is almost always won or lost at the range.
The skateboarders warmed up with a soul session at the top of Kebler, Todd warmed up by talking smack, fans were lining the course to get a glimpse of the spectacular, and tourists were trying to figure out how to drive, look at the fall foliage and avoid hitting someone with their car.
Matthias Robbels and the King opened up the initial lead in the first quarter mile duking it out up front while Toe-Moss was battling traffic to keep them in sight.
The soul sessioners were fairly far behind using the opportunity to milk the terrain for all it was worth, while Wishecudski was in full rattle and wobble and gaining speed.
Robbels went down at one point trying to scrub some speed, losing a spot and allowing Todd into the top three.
“After I went down, I got back up and put in a couple kicks and all I heard was this rattle, rattle, rattle,” explained Robbels. “The heat was on and I knew Todd was coming in hot.”
But, as always, the line between winning and losing came in the target range.
While Robbels and Todd were neck and neck at the range, Toe-Moss rolled up in third, sighted in to score on his first attempt and was back on his board rolling to the 2013 title. The King made quick work as well to move up into a second place finish and Robbels crossed the line in third.
Todd, well, he’s never been that good on the range and once again he struggled to finish in fourth with the soul sessioners cruising across the finish line not far behind.
While a first shopping cart descent of Kebler Pass is notable, Todd may be done with the DYOG.
“No one cares about number four—that’s why I’m throwing in the towel,” he stated.
“That’s some DYOGGIN!” exclaimed Puddingrass.