Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Crested Butte slowpitch softball season opens next week

Summertime, and the livin’ is, wait….what?

Softball season is finally here. It seems so long ago when the Nuts & Honeys took down Stash for the comp league title and Tully’s edged out a one-run win over the Eldo in the rec league championship game.
Good times.
So here we are, the first week of June, and we get to live it all over again. The bats, the balls, the bases, the babes, the beer and now, the bud?
Pot is legal, so smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
Wait… what? It’s illegal to smoke pot in public? (Does anyone say “smoke pot” anymore?)
Dammit!
Well, I guess you guys will have to hold off on that another year because we all know no one smokes pot at softball. You’ll just have to keep drinking.
Wait… what? It’s illegal to drink alcohol in public? I had no idea… Though, apparently you can drink 3.2% beer, but that doesn’t really count.
Granted, none of that directly affects me, as I neither do the weed nor drink the booze. My body is a temple…OF DOOM! Besides, I’ve found the Lord Almighty and I suggest all of you heretics do as well to bring some sanity to this community. Once you’ve accepted the Lord into your life, everything falls into place.
Leviticus 2:13, “Taketh thy Lord into thy life and haveth thy perfect clarity forthweth to proceedeth into thy days upon thy Earth…” (Or was it Luke 12:23? So many scriptures, so little time.)
Wait… whateth?
But all of that, the weed, the booze, the Lord, pales in comparison to the newest rule for this year’s softball season. Granted it’s not a law, but it is a rule, therefore making it law on the softball fields.
Get this.
“All players must advance only one (1) base after a home run.”
WAIT… WHAT THE F**K?
In the interest of saving time, the hitter just trots to first base and then heads back to the dugout. A player on base, when a home run is hit, just advances to the next base to touch it and then heads back to the dugout. Still counts like a home run, you just don’t get to trot the bases in all your glory for sending one downtown.
Before you put the paper down and charge into Recreation Supervisor Lauren Alkire’s office to rant, know this: This came down from the softball board, not Lauren.
“It’s pretty standard for other leagues and tourney play,” explains Alkire. “There’s been a lot of blowback so I think it will be optional. So, if you want to run around the bases, you can.”
Jim Schmidt, a man who has been playing softball locally since 1977, had this to say: “It’s a communist plot to take the joy out of Crested Butte softball.”
Two things.
One, this is coming from a guy who can’t even hit a home run and he’s upset, so that says something.
Two, “communist plot”? That is so 1977, Jim.
At any rate, members of the softball intelligentsia are up in arms over the new rule.
But it doesn’t end there.
“Coed rules apply to all female players in Rec and Comp Leagues, and male players 60 years of age and older in Rec League.”
That’s right, men 60 and over, count as women.
Legal pot, gay marriage, no home run trot and now men are women when they hit 60?
I am so confused.
But, to be honest, I’m all for whatever works to help out the Gray Hares. I assume that’s who will benefit the most. Though Gray Hare Lee Cannon, who is in the 60 and over category, should be exempt. That guy still crushes the Leadville 100 bike race.
“We’re hoping this will make the Gray Hares a competitive force in coed this year,” says Alkire.
There are other rule changes as well for the upcoming season but Alkire points out, it’s all in an effort to make things better. If it doesn’t work, things can change back.
“The board spent a lot of time on this with the intent of improving the leagues,” says Alkire. “The rules are an experiment.”
All of that aside, the rec league has 10 teams this season and the comp league has dwindled from six last year down to four in 2014.
“I think the Monday and Wednesday music nights are hurting the comp league,” says Alkire.
The comp league games are Mondays and Wednesdays and start on Monday, June 9. Rec league games are on Tuesdays and Thursdays and opening day is Tuesday, June 10. All games are at 5 and 6:30 p.m. at any one of the three amazing softball fields in Crested Butte.
Crested Butte slowpitch softball, CATCH IT!
Wait… what?

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