Scott Pruitt wants his mattress back
by Than Acuff
Now that Facebook is planning on getting rid of their “Trending Now” tool, how am I supposed to get such news jewels as the one I saw Monday morning? It turns out that, according to an aide, EPA chair Scott Pruitt asked her to retrieve a used mattress from a Trump hotel.
Now, I know what you are probably thinking. But I’m going with something else. I believe it was an honest attempt by Pruitt to recycle. I mean, he is the chief of the Environmental Protection Agency and what could be more environmental than recycling?
Orrr… he is mounting a bed bug lawsuit.
Orrr… he really liked it, was the best night of sleep he ever had and wants to take it with him.
Orrr… he had sex with someone, someone other than his wife, and wants to make sure the evidence is destroyed.
Orrr… as I mentioned, he is recycling.
You know who else recycles? Bratwurst companies. I mean, not only do they use parts of the hog that could, and arguably should, be tossed out, but they wrap it in other hog parts and then shoot cheese into it. Rather than wrap the cheese in plastic and the bratwurst in plastic and have the consumer unwrap them to bring them together, they just shoot the cheese right in, ultimately minimizing the use of plastic.
And that cheese-filled bratwurst I had at Gothic field compliments of Tony Wildman was just what I needed as I watched 2017 league champions Pita’s Meatsticks pick up where they left off last season, taking down the Talk of the Town 23-16. A game in which Drew Stichter “hit like six home runs.”
Actually you can’t hit six home runs in a game. Well, maybe Drew can but you’re not allowed to per the softball rules.
Michael Villanueva set the tone for the evening on the first at bat of the game, cracking a solo shot. Heather Duryea followed with a single and then Scott Sanders stepped to the plate to smash a two-run home run over the fence and off Town Hall. Emily Crooks singled, Stichter did not jack one but instead calmly cracked a double and Jess Johnson scored two more Meatsticks with a single up the middle for a 5-0 Pita’s lead.
Before Pita’s could really get jamming, the Talk turned the next three outs and then responded with three runs in the bottom of the first inning. Jessica Bowman and Connor McGuire each singled and Rachel Potoker drove in a couple of runs with a single and the game was back on track to be… a game.
After giving up one more run, the Talk came roaring back in the bottom of the second inning, led off with a Hollywood shuffle single. Both Ali and Dave McGuire reached base safely and Jessica connected for an error-assisted two-RBI double. And just five minutes after Connor claimed that he only swings for the fence when two or more runners are on base, he did just that as he drove a three-run home run to straightaway centerfield for an 8-6 Talk lead.
Pita’s was then primed to break the game open again in the top of the fourth inning. After holding the Talk hitless, they stepped to plate and quickly rattled off three base hits with Emily Ocanas pushing one run across and the top of the order up next. Duryea drove a liner up the middle but Brian “with an I” Kunes made the reaching grab and tapped second base for the double play to stop the Meatsticks in their tracks. At least I think that’s what happened—it’s a little hard to read my notes with all of this cheese and mustard spilled on it.
The game ramped up in the fifth inning as both teams started to find their groove again at the plate. Sanders led off with a solo inside the park home run (ITPHR), Thomas McLean doubled to left and scored off a double from Roland Mason. Kelly Aspinwall punched a single through to score Mason and Pita’s was back on top 11-9.
But the Talk’s patience, precision and power at the plate put them back in the lead in the bottom of the fifth inning. A couple of base hits and a RBI single from Robbie Vandervoort got the Talk going. Potoker singled to load the bases, Conor walked to push two runs home, an infield pop-up by Dakota Wiggins dropped for an RBI double and Brendan Martorilli drove a three-run shot over the centerfield fence to put the Talk back on top.
Pita’s returned the favor in the top of the sixth inning as a series of base hits, including key RBIs from McLean, Villanueva and Duryea, had the teams embroiled in a barroom brawl.
That is, until the top of the seventh inning when a towering three-run home run from Sanders off the roof of Town Hall ultimately sealed the 22-17 Pita’s win.
Back to where this started. So I looked into the Pruitt mattress deal further—that is further than “Trending Now”—and it turns out he just wanted the mattress from the Trump hotel for personal use.
So, perhaps he really liked it and wanted to enjoy a good night sleep.
Orrr… he wants to keep it with him for other times he has sex, not with his wife.
Orrr… he wanted to destroy some evidence.
You know what else is effed up? He is the same age as me. If only I had applied myself a little more in high school I could have been the head of the EPA and asked an aide to go get a used mattress from a hotel for me.