Saturday, June 6, 2020

Spring dog-poop smell good for locals; keeps May tourists away (April Fool’s)

Keeping May smelly, to keep fancy Vail tourists and Denver hipsters at bay

By Kalya Veedmer

In a recent meeting-of-the-minds on the Crested Butte Bitch and Moan Facebook group, it was determined that Poo-Fest won’t be happening this spring as a way to keep at least one month—May—tourist-free.

“Last year, you couldn’t walk down Elk Avenue without smelling dog-poop, and I think we need to band together and utilize the stench to keep tourists away for at least one month out of the year,” said former Poo-fest organizer Kitty Shealy.

“I never really picked up my dog’s poop anyways, but now I definitely don’t pick it up. It’s my own daily radical act of rebellion against the folks that want to keep attracting tourists here,” said one long-time local, Chad Rich.

At least one person on the forum thought the new Vail ownership was a good thing, saying. “The Vail tourists bring in more pure-bred poo, and you know those people are too good to clean up after their dogs in their $4,000 coats and fancy gloves, so they contribute to the cause without knowing it.”

Crested Butte town officials are concerned about the lack of participation in cleaning up the town and ridding Elk Avenue of the stinky detritus that emerges as the snow melts.

“No one wants to visit a town that smells like dog poop,” said Town Council business representative Crisp Shaver.

“But that’s the point, Crisp—you guys just don’t understand this issue from the locals’ perspective. The housing situation sucks, there’s hardly any rentals available for people with dogs anymore. Dog poop is the Trojan Horse for locals to use against the marketing machine,” retorted Bill Dejarhanahan.

Local environmental groups are concerned the “radical act of rebellion” will spill over into public lands, where trailheads are already littered with human and dog-poop land mines.

“Make Crested Butte gross,” said one local who promised stickers stating that sentiment would be at True Value (or has it transitioned to Ace?). “The weirder, stinkier, sloppier we are, the less those Front Range hipsters will like us, and maybe we’ll actually get some peace and quiet around here. Ahhhhh, the sweet smell of prosperity comes in all flavors!”

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