Wednesday, October 16, 2019

VR gives resort back to the Mullers, asks for a refund (April Fool’s)

By Katerina Mettlemouth

In an announcement almost five months in the making, Veil Resorts fell shy of its six-month ownership mark with Crested Bits Mountain Retort and decided it would go back over Monarchy Pass to the more mainstream resorts of Breckenfridge, Kneestone and Beaver Cricket. In a statement issued by whoever is in charge there nowadays, someone said, “This town is weird. You can have it back now.”

Apparently the Muller family has refused the reneg, and the two parties are playing hot potato in a board room near Broomfeld with a toy model of the resort. The next game is expected to be musical chairs, although the method of deciding who wins or loses is unclear. Someone may sit on the resort and get a broken chairlift up their anus.

General manager Tim Baekery, having been coronated in March in his first All Johnson by dropping knees while dressed as Martin Sheen in Apocolypse Now, said he wants to join the weirdos and offered to stay for a reduced salary of $40,000 per year plus employee housing. He was last seen hucking it off cliff bands deep in Third Eye Bowl and howling at the quarter moon during the start of the Grand Perverse.

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