I just heard….

“Kiss a little baby
Give the world a smile
If you take an inch
Give ‘em back a mile
Cause if you lie like a rug
And you don’t give a damn
You’re never gonna be
As happy as a clam…
… Ooh baby
It’s a big old goofy world”

—John Prine

I just heard that someone who bought a house by The Depot where for decades people have had small weddings or gatherings or cocktail parties is shocked that people actually use the space for small weddings and gatherings and cocktail parties. And they want it stopped now! Where is that noise coming from?!

I just heard Joe and the Democrats are taking away my hamburger. Communists! Horrible! At least for those (Lauren Boebert) that don’t read the things they criticize!

I just heard 4,800 square feet for a second home in one of the most prominent upper valley locations (the middle of a nationally recognized Slate River wetland) isn’t big enough to visit comfortably. I mean there’s no swimming pool so it’s time to go all 10,000+ square feet Telluride and catch up with the real winners who vacation in the mountains!

I just heard from county officials that when it comes to the building season, they are hearing it looks like there are larger houses being applied for and more high-end homes than typical. Welcome to the new post-COVID, it’s all about sustainability, world!

I just heard the most Teslas per capita in CB can be found in the affordable housing neighborhood! Sweet!

I just heard the head of the Republican Party in the U.S. House of Representatives now thinks January 6 was really just a jovial little social gathering and not a violent attempt to keep Donald in a job. I mean it’s obvious to anyone, anyway that Donald won (Alabama)!

I just heard if I see a kid wearing a mask I should call the cops — because that’s child abuse!

I just heard that CB locals who hesitated to sell their million dollar shack and buy a sweet house in Gunnison are too late. You missed the boat in Gunni! I heard bidding wars are normal and if you don’t have cash…so long sucker! See you in Salida?!

I just heard the Chamber of Commerce doesn’t want to put on the Fourth of July parades anymore. That would be too normal and too expected by tourists and goes against our “funky” branding.

I just heard Eric Roemer scream.

I just heard we might be upgrading our “brand.” We’re still “funky,” right? Or are we “quirky?” Because we have to be a brand now!

I just heard some of the people returning from Spring Break were shocked to see a sewer plant had suddenly been built near their house!

I just heard Mt. CB is setting a world record for putting more plans on paper in the least amount of time than any other town!

I just heard I missed a call from billionaire Mark Walter who wants to share his plans for buying up all the commercial real estate in CB with the community… not! (I can be reached at 349-0500 ext. 109.)

I just heard the Save Our Summers saviors are going to save our summers by stopping the “forced compliance” program the county is secretly putting in place to make sure everyone is hogtied and given a vaccination! Don’t stop when you see the roadblock at the county line. Resist!

I just heard not having a place up here for RVs to dump their crap will fit the sustainable goals of CB and give Gunni more of what it wants… people driving through their town!

I just heard that if a new 10 mph speed limit doesn’t work to stop people from driving at all, the town council will drop the speed limit to 6.5 mph to confuse people further and get them to drive 8.3 mph.

I just heard chief marshal Mike Reily slap his forehead!

I just slapped mine too. I need a vacation. Some things are more true than others, but Lord knows, it’s all close enough—we do indeed live in a big ‘ol goofy world…

—Mark Reaman