Arm wrestling provides showcase of women’s power

Must be what it’s like in Themyscira

by Than Acuff

Themyscira was originally a city state founded by Amazons three thousand years ago, where it is said “the skies above fair Greece yawn wide pouring thousands of souls from Gaea’s womb.”
What is that world like? Not sure and I couldn’t find any flights there on kayak.com out of Gunnison, but I did get a glimpse of that world Friday night at KBUT’s Seventh Annual Female Arm Wrestling tournament in The Red Room. It was a bit unnerving, yet also very intriguing.
The tournament brought out some fresh talent, some returning champions, a ganglion cyst and one Rochelle Millar who, while she didn’t compete, did not go unnoticed as she packed her temporary physical enhancements into a skin-tight bike outfit that had men staggering. Can you say BADONKADONK!?
In the end, 26 women signed up, 16 in the Princess division and 10 in the Wonder Woman division, for a shot at the coveted titles.

One woman in particular was on a mission. 2013 Princess champion Princess Flatuella was dethroned in 2014 by “some mall chick in a cardigan sweater” and was determined to take back her crown. So determined that her prefight training included shots of good old Mexican firewater.
Other competitors strutted their stuff prior to the start of the tournament on the dance floor while the men shuffled backwards into the corners, symbolically emasculated by the estrofest.
Meanwhile, defending Wonder Woman champion McGuire’s on Fire merely sat comfortably at a table sharing relaxed conversation with her mom, Penni, and friends. McGuire is part of the most dominant family lineage in the local arm wrestling world. Her brother, Turbo, is a referee and a coach who has helped several competitors over the years fine tune their technique, including his wife Cindy Czarnick who made a solid title run several years ago.
Turbo put on the stripes to officiate the night and laid out the rules for the competitors closing with, “No biting, kicking or scratching. Ripping of clothes is fine.”
After round one of the Princess Division it became obvious the Flatuella, Lady Flatuella to be exact, was focused and determined. She would have to get through the Crazy Canuck or dark horse Puss in Boots at some point, both of whom looked equally strong, as well as 50 Shades of Mayhem, who had the quickest pin of the night.

While McGuire’s on Fire had a relatively easy first-round bout, a Canadian woman by the name of Wee Maple had the crowd talking with her stature and strength, and Lady V had the strongest support crew, which helped her through a tough opening-round battle.
As the night wore on, Flatuella got stronger, making quick work of her opponents in the second and third rounds to make the finals. Meanwhile, the Crazy Canuck knocked off a fierce competitor in Windy City Cyclone and then ended Puss in Boots’ run. The two were deadlocked in the opening 30 seconds until the Crazy Canuck exhaled and rolled her shoulder to pin Puss in Boots.
McGuire and Wee Maple continued their reigns through their respective brackets and when Wee Maple pinned Lady V, she advanced to the semis for a shot at McGuire’s on Fire.
As the Wonder Women rested and recovered for the title push, Lady Flatuella and the Crazy Canuck took center stage for the Princess division championship bout. Pre-fight prognosticators were speechless as to who had the advantage and expected the final might fall into a test of will and, while that seemed the case early in the match, there was no denying Flatuella as she sealed the deal to win back her Princess division title.
The night came to a close as McGuire’s on Fire took down Wee Maple in the semis. Wee Maple returned to the stage to face a well-rested Bad Mamma Jamma but pinned her to earn a rematch with McGuire’s on Fire in the finals. While Wee Maple posed a stout challenge, her wins over Lady V and Bad Mamma Jamma did her in and she was no match for McGuire’s on Fire’s potent combination of strength and technique.
McGuire’s on Fire defended her title to remain the ultimate Wonder Woman. I bet she could even beat Caitlyn Jenner.