The Crested Butte News Serving the Gunnison Valley since 1999
I’m ordained!
by Than Acuff
I don’t want to be blaspheming nobody, but did you know that you can become an ordained minister for just $40 and two minutes of your time filling out an application?
Crazy, right?
It’s true and now I am an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church Monastery. According to the Universal Life Church Monastery, “We are all children of the same universe.”
And that would be the universe of… TOTALLY AWESOME!
The church has two core tenets by which it expects its ministers to conduct themselves.
1. Do only that which is right.
2. Every individual is free to practice their religion in the manner of their choosing, as mandated by the First Amendment, so long as that expression does not impinge upon the rights or freedoms of others and is in accordance with the government’s laws.
Simple enough.
In my ordainment package I get a certificate, a wallet license, a black clergy badge and a parking pass among other things.
Hello VIP parking everywhere, hello tax-free living.
(Side note, just as I was writing this there was a huge blast of thunder out of nowhere. I am not kidding you. It was at 7:20 Tuesday evening. Didn’t hear one before, haven’t heard one since.)
With said ordainment I can perform baptisms, preside over funerals and burials, and marry people.
With the recent Supreme Court ruling, and my recent ordainment, I can even marry gay people.
Wait, I said that wrong.
While I could marry a gay person, I’m good with my wife. What I meant was that if two gay people wanted to get married, I could perform the wedding.
This is real, I’m sure of it. Richard Branson, the late Joan Rivers, the late Johnny Carson and Conan O’Brien are also ordained minsters of the Universal Life Church Monastery, so it must be real.
As I was delving further into my expected roles as an ordained minster of this church, I took a break to witness one of the universe’s true wonders, coed recreational slowpitch softball as the undefeated Eldo faced off against the Whetstoners.
The Whetstoners remain a bit of a mystery so far. Due to the Lord’s work in the opening weeks of the softball season, several games were rained out, filling our local reservoirs with the Lord’s bounty and ultimately leading to a great harvest after which we can gather in the house of the Lord to share in his, or her, supreme excellence, HALLALUJAH! Sorry, I’m drunk on ordainment.
As a result, the Whetstoners only had one game under their belt heading into the game Tuesday night. One thing I do know about the Whetstoners though, they’re erratic enough to really shake up the post season and they love themselves some softball. They were even out this past weekend with a pitching machine.
The Eldo brings a whole lot of personnel to their game with a roster bordering on ridiculous, and they love the softball game as well.
The Eldo struck first (still haven’t heard another thunder blast, by the way) when Matt Laut and Jess Ladwig connected for base hits and Vince Scola scored Laut with a sac fly RBI.
The Whetstoners came right back over the next two innings to rattle off three runs while shutting down the Eldo bats.
Alex Mattes-Ritz doubled and scored on a base hit from Barb Winter in the bottom of the first and Megan Carver drove in two more runs with an error-assisted two RBI single in the bottom of the second inning for a 3-1 lead.
Laut tied the game back up with a two RBI triple and the two teams proceeded to trade off runs through the next two innings.
The Eldo took a 5-4 lead in the top of the fourth inning when Carly Webb cracked a RBI triple up the middle and Josh Stewart made up for his strike out earlier in the game by driving a RBI double to the gap in left center.
Things opened up slightly in the top of the fifth inning as the Eldo’s aggressive style on the base path finally paid off. While two Eldo runners had been gunned down at third base by the Whetstoners earlier in the game, they stuck to their base path strategy and it finally paid off.
Patrick Cashion doubled and then scored on a double by Will Jones. Jess Ladwig then tapped a grounder and while the Whetstoners tried to discern whether she was safe or out at first base, Jones and Megan Leinhart snuck home to put the Eldo on top 8-5.
Down 8-5 heading into the top of the sixth, the Whetstoners did what they often do, mount a comeback. Paced by their usual enthusiasm, the Whetstoners strung together a couple base hits to put two on with Mattes-Ritz coming up to bat. Mattes-Ritz looked off a meatball first pitch but made up for it on the second toss to drive a three-run home run to straightaway center, tying the game 8-8 heading into the seventh inning.
The Eldo bats then fell silent and their defense fell asleep. After a scoreless top of the seventh, they took to the field to try and hold the Eldo only to completely crumble as Lawson Yow turned a single into a game-wining, error-assisted, inside the park home run.
Rest assured Eldo, though, because according to the Universal Life Church Monastery, “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.”
