APRIL FOOLS: County orders residents to stay away from other people

“That’s why I moved here”

by Wayne Paul

In response to the threat of coronavirus, the Gunnison County government has ordered all residents to remain in their homes in the middle of nowhere, Colorado. “While we acknowledge the gregarious and super-outgoing nature of our 4.7 people per square mile,” says public health czar Joni Itchell, “We must plead with you to suppress your urge to socialize with the other 3.7 nearby citizens.”

The County order was met with gratitude in some quarters, with longtime Parlin resident Bert Shnigel welcoming the news. “Six feet away? Try six years since I’ve been to Gunnison! I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to tell people to stay away from me! Social distancing? Waaaaay ahead of you,” he explained.

“I’ll do my best to stay away from people,” super-athlete Dirk Flowcombe stated as he left his childless girlfriend of 25 years to spend 48 hours skimo-ing solo in the wilderness.

Mary Polson, who lives in a 200-square-foot alley house with five cats and no front door, described the impact the edict would have on her social life. “Princess Pawesome loves to eat her food out of my mouth.”

The employee at the Gunnison Airport, which would typically be closed at this time of year regardless of pandemic, called United Airlines to urge them to stop the weekly flight in an effort to flatten the curve. “Gunnison? Is that in Wyoming,” asked UA’s Kent Miers. “Don’t worry, we don’t service…oh no way! That’s crazy, we do! Um, no problem, I will cancel those flights for you.”