The Crested Butte News Serving the Gunnison Valley since 1999
Town Hall under contract as well
[ By Tyler Henson ]
In keeping with the trend of the past year, billionaire Marc Wallters continues to gobble up properties throughout the valley while maintaining a veil of secrecy surrounding his plans. The latest properties under contract by Wallters’ real estate investment group include Town Hall, Old Town Hall, Old Rock Library, and the Depot – all properties currently owned by the town.
“We’re not exactly hurting financially right now thanks to great March tax numbers, but this infusion of capital from the pending sale of our properties means our 2022 staff and council retreat will likely be in Bora Bora, which we’re all pretty excited about. Especially Ian Pillick, who won’t shut up about showing off his beach body,” said Crested Butte town manager Tara McDonalds.
When reached for comment on the prospective purchases, Wallters’ public relations firm, Brokered Direction Emmisaries (BDE), responded via fax, “go stick your head in the sand. Whatever Wallters wants, Wallters gets, and little town, Wallters wants you.”
Wallters, a financier, is part owner of the Los Angeles Dingers and is notoriously private and tight-lipped. And this recent string of property acquisitions throughout the valley coupled with his proclivity to secrecy has been met with some reticence from residents.
“I asked him what he was going to do with the Princess and he kicked my dog…he kicked my dog!” said Ruma Marmell, a longtime local resident and manager of the beloved drinking establishment. “I mean, I think it was Wallters, it was dark, and I was tired, and I don’t have a dog, so, you know, maybe don’t trust me.”
The reasoning behind the secrecy is not quite clear to many. It would seem as though the purposes behind Wallters’ kid-in-a-candystore buying spree is on a need-to-know basis. “And all you people who love Crested Butte and live there and care about the community and want to see it thrive and grow in a way that is welcoming to others while maintaining the funky integrity of the beloved place where you raise your families and invest your emotional capital…you don’t need to know,” BDE said via carrier pigeon.
Whatever the intent behind Wallters’ actions, not everyone is feeling uneasy. “No way, this is great. Thanks to Wallters’ pocket change, we upgraded the Marshall’s janky old Tesla to a Lamborghini and are planning on installing snowmelt systems on all town roads and sidewalks. No more plowing for us,” said McDonalds. “And have you seen the Depot lately? That building is so friggin’ haunted. Those ghosts are Wallters’ problem now. I, for one, look forward to getting a full night’s sleep without being visited by Gertrude in her Victorian dress covered in blood.”
According to local rumors, Old Town Hall will remain as a multi-use commercial and non-profit space. Or he’s going to turn it into a Gucci store. Or he’s going to abandon it to the unending deterioration of a universe slipping into entropy. It’s hard to say since HE WON’T TALK TO US.
