“I have given my heart and soul to this sport and have always left it all out on the mountain”
By Stan Cola
It’s been two years now since your last of nine total titles… you done?
When I look back on what is undoubtedly the greatest career any athlete has ever had in any sport in the history of mankind, I can’t help but be in awe. Of myself. Ben Blackwood has accomplished more than anyone ever thought possible, and it is with this in mind that I am announcing my retirement from competitive snowblading. I have given my heart and soul to this sport and have always left it all out on the mountain. I want to thank all my fans, the media, my fellow bladers, my sponsors, all the women, the many, many, many women, and everyone who supported me throughout my illustrious career. And I can’t forget my agent David A. Bohl, Esq., my stylist Lisa Loniello, and my Hype Girl Holliday Bohl.
Who do you look to for guidance in your retirement?
You know, after Tom Brady retired, it suddenly dawned on me how much the two of us have in common. We both dominated our respective sports and won more World Championships than anyone in history, including titles in three different decades. Of course, I won more, but he did OK. Like Tom Brady, I am adored by fans all around the world. We both are considered exceptionally handsome and sought after by women everywhere. We both once lived in the Boston area before leaving to get away from their awful sports fans. We both married supermodels. Well, I haven’t yet, but I’m planning on it. I just need to make my decision on which one. And like Tom Brady, I will later divorce my super hot model wife and move on to something better. Besides the fact that I am all-around superior, the similarities between us are uncanny.
Are there stones left unturned?
With many probably wondering what I’m gonna do after retiring, I will divulge that I am considering a new career in bodybuilding. A lot of ladies, as well as dudes, often comment on how incredibly ripped I am, so it seems like it should be an easy transition. Plus, I already spend a lot of time flexing in front of the mirror with little to no clothes on, so why not do it for a crowd and win some money. I was inspired by a great documentary called Pumping Iron, and I figured, if Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lou Ferrigno can do it, it shouldn’t be a problem for Ben Blackwood. If all goes well, I foresee taking the title of Mr. Olympia within a couple years and dominating yet another sport.
Who is in place to take over?
Never have we seen this much elite depth in the world of snowblading: Lawson Yow, Matt Evans, Erik Hilb, Grant Spear, Carson Hildebrandt, Kye Matlock, Scott Stewart, rookie Ben Thomsen, board-blader Andrew “Arnie” Arnold. And what can I say about Montana Wiggins. This is his third year in a row on the podium, and he is on the cusp of greatness. Now that I am hanging up my blades, maybe it’s time I take him under my wing and help propel him to snowblade immortality.
I do want to congratulate Abby Philbrick and Amanda Whiteford for an amazing championship run. It did take two of them combined to edge me out of the top spot, but they are certainly deserving of this honor. They made history this year by becoming the first ever former Women’s Champions to also take home the overall Snowblade World Championship. I thought I had already accomplished all that is possible in this sport, but I am now wondering what it would take to achieve this myself. Would I just have to change my pronouns before winning it again? Or might it be more involved than that? Regardless, it turns out I have more goals to accomplish.
After some deep reflection and soul searching, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my triumphant return. Ben Blackwood is officially unretiring from competitive snowblading. Sorry, Montana. You’re on your own. I’m coming back to take you and the rest of Earth’s greatest bladers down. Ben Blackwood can’t retire yet. I’m just too damn good.