Cram, Kolodziej team up to take chainless title

“Cheap, Fast, Good. Pick two.”
That was Andy Bamberg’s business motto for all of his customers and that was my mantra for the Chainless. I picked cheap and fast and what resulted was not so good.

I swear the guy at True Value said Gorilla Glue would hold. And the testimonies on the label and online said the same thing.
Then again, the blue-green algae/barium enema and Ab Blaster combo kit I purchased off the Internet was supposed to cleanse me while developing a six-pack for the summer but instead gave me a greenish hue at night and makes me throw up when I come in direct contact with cats.
Suffice it to say, imagine my struggle when buying Gorilla Glue at True Value with Jingles the Cat in the area.
At any rate, the combo of Gorilla Glue, copper piping and my daughter’s Strider bike proved a disaster. Who knew that a 45-degree copper coupling would buckle under the stress of my forward lean 10 yards into the race. I adjusted my stance accordingly placing a majority of my weight upon the copper seat-post, flirting with the possibility of a Posterior Copper Evulsive Penetration (PCEP).
I was aware of the chances of a PCEP and had asked race volunteer Drew Holbrook whether or not to pull the pipe out of my ass if said PCEP occurred. He suggested I leave pipe in until I reach the hospital. Apparently, according to Drew, had famed crocodile hunter Steve Irwin left the stingray barb in until he reached proper medical attention, he might have survived.
Fortunately, the pipe held but 20 yards into the race there was another issue, and then another and then another as the Gorilla Glue, the Gorilla Tape quick repair, the copper coupling and the small plastic wheels all failed horribly in the next 50 yards.
As I tried to straighten it all out, the back of the pack rolled by me, laughing. Not like, “Hey, that’s funny, a guy trying to ride a Strider” kind of laugh. More like, “Hey, look at that sucker, what an idiot” kind of laugh.
The thought of running crossed my mind but that was a fleeting notion and at the Ohio Pass turnoff, I accepted a courtesy ride down Kebler Pass and my first DNF of my not-so-athletic career.
John Chandler had a similar experience with his bike of choice years ago but managed to walk the entire course to avoid a DNF.
I guess I’m just lazy.
My ride did, however, last longer than it took to make it, so, again in the immortal words of Andy Bamberg, “At least I got that going for me.”
Milling around the finish area with my train wreck self, one guy approached me while chuckling. (Again, not a “Hey, big guy on a little bike” kind of chuckle, but “What an idiot” kind of chuckle.)
“Hey, did you think about soldering that?” he said.
“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, no s*%t!”
But enough about me.
Two hundred and fifty thrill seekers, competitors and chaos addicts lined up at the top of Kebler Pass Friday for a shot at the Chainless World Championship title.
The Le Mans start was insane as 250 riders and whack jobs sprinted up Kebler Pass Road from the west, cresting over the top and hopping on their rides.
Rides varied from the aforementioned Frankenstrider, the latest design of Adam Chater’s I-Beam bike, classic townies, three-wheelers, BMX bikes, a bike towing a gurney complete with a nurse, Big Wheels (see this week’s Busted in the Butte) and several unfortunate top-of-the-line mountain bikes that, while costing somewhere in the neighborhood of $5,000, were still tossed in the back of trailers among the clunkers for transport to the top.
“Do you know where the bikes were dropped off?” asked a couple of nervous out-of-town competitors.
“Over there in the woods—what do they look like?” I responded.
“Well, they’re Specialized 29ers,” they explained.
“Oh, you’re bummin’,” was all I could say.
As for the level of talent on hand, it was off the charts, below the radar and on the fringe. On one hand, you had a collection of hardcore Lycra-clad mountain bikers. There was the collection of Monkey Posse riders. There were the genius engineers. There was the Kansas Stupid Ride Collective. There was a marching band, a Chinese dragon, a Unicorn Girl and finally there were two competitors with two titles each, Mark Cram and Roman Kolodziej.
In an effort to build bridges, not fences, Kolodziej and Cram teamed up, dubbed Team Loophole, on a tandem and following the theory D+B2=V (Density+ Balls2=Victory) ultimately took the title, with Dave Ochs in second and Chater in third.
Which does bring up a query that, I believe, needs to be discussed in the barstool boardroom. Can a duo take the Chainless title or should it be strictly a solo title, while tandems garner their own class? I mean props out to a couple of guys, one of whom is slipstreaming in the ass of the other for seven miles, who compete on a tandem but it seems a bit unfair.
Or maybe not.
Truth is, the last thing the chainless race needs is rules, but it’s something worth discussing over a few, or a lot, of cold frosty ones.
As for me, as if you care, it’s back to the drawing board for me, and by that I mean back to True Value prior to next year’s race. And in the immortal words of Douglas MacArthur as he left the Philippines during World War II, “I shall return.”
Furthermore, with a DFL at the Irwin Rando Race and a DNF at the Chainless, all I got left to add to my resume is a DNS, soooo, HELLO Gothic to Crested Butte 1/3 Marathon. I will not be there but I will take my DNS, thank you very much.
By the way, anyone Strava that sh**?

Results:

Chainless World Championships Results

1. Marc Cram and Roman Kolodziej
2. Dave Ochs
3. Adam Chater

Middle Man (exact middle finisher): Bib number 186

Best Individual Costume:
Unicorn Girl

Best Group Costume:
Three-way tie!
—Team Gurney
—Marching Mayhem Marching Band
—Chinese Dragon