Tuesday, September 25, 2018
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Elevate rises to win over Winehouse Monkeys

Mmmmm…. Sexy Melania Trump

by Than Acuff

Watching Melania Trump speak at the Republican National Convention was a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me personally.

First off, let’s face it, those piercing eyes, those high cheek bones, that accent, the whole package was pure sexy. Not as sexy as NPR correspondent Laxshmi Sing mind you, but still. She could very easily lure you into a trap as a double agent, slit your throat, extract your organs to sell on the black market and exit the room without remorse, and isn’t that what we’re looking for in a First Lady in our War on Terrorism?

She did speak of her commitment to the education of our children at home, but we need a First Lady that can kick some terrorist ass too. Furthermore, in our great American melting pot, it only seems appropriate that we have a First Lady for whom English is her second language. I know it’s mine.

I couldn’t help but laugh, though, as the cameras panned the crowd focusing on a select variety of Republican heavyweights and watching them uncomfortably applaud Melania, along with the thousands of other morons in the crowd.

I can only imagine that several of those in attendance attempted to wash out the taste in their mouths left by Melania’s speech with some top shelf scotch, a lot of top shelf scotch, (apparently former Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz couldn’t wait and was toting a bottle of Crown Royale around inside the convention hall) and then engaging in acts of self-degradation back in their hotel rooms. I mean the convention is in Cleveland… get it? I can’t actually write it, it’s just too foul, but so is the Trump campaign.

Then again, that accent and perhaps the tone of her voice also made me think, why is this bimbo speaking? But two of my biggest faults are that I am judgmental and ignorant, which makes me… a perfect Trump supporter! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, HOLY SH**…AM I A TRUMP SUPPORTER?

Before we go any further, and by we I mean I, I would like to remind everyone of some things Trump has said and done that needs repeating.

“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

“Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father…”

Also, let’s not forget how he made fun of someone with a muscular disorder by mimicking the individual.

While I realize that this paper does serve a predominantly liberal readership, most of whom would never consider voting for Trump, I want to make sure that no one votes for Trump.

Yes, Hillary Clinton is a crook and ingrained in the back room deals that make politics suck, but, Trump is no less a crook and I don’t think Hillary would date her children or mock physically disabled people.

Speaking of physicality, Elevate is surging, just as I predicted a couple of weeks ago, winning two of their last three games. They won their second game of the season last week taking down the Whetstoners, and lost their next game to perennial powerhouse KBUT only to return to their winning ways, edging out a 15-14 win over the Winehouse Monkeys at Gothic Field Tuesday night.

It certainly didn’t help the Winehouse that they were missing two women when the game started, finally got one to show up, but still had to take an automatic out every now and then.

Monkeys, what happened? Owner/player Scott Strouse worked so hard to create a seriously competitive team over the franchises’ formative years only to have the house crumble into near ruin.

Elevate went to work early, scoring three runs in the bottom of the first inning. Grant Spear led off with a triple and scored on a double from Rebecca Pavlick. CJ Hoover pushed a RBI triple to the vacuum in right field and Austin Elmgreen scored Hoover with a sacrifice RBI.

Elevate proved they’ve got some defensive chops as well when Sean Thompson made a diving grab in deep foul territory to retire Ryan Kay, but the Monkeys recovered from the highlight play to score two runs off a RBI walk by Tony Wildman and a RBI double from Kari Roberts.

Things quieted down over the next three innings with Elevate’s defense and their “chauvinism shift” shutting down one Monkey hitter and Elevate first basewoman Laura Hewmann making key plays at first base. They scored one run in the bottom of the fourth, but the Monkeys stirred things up in the top of the fifth as Joe Knight and Kate Schmidt singled and Pete Basile knocked one in with a double off of the fence. Kay stepped up to knock a two RBI infield single to give the Monkeys a 5-4 lead.

But Elevate unleashed their offense in the bottom of the fifth inning sparked by back-to-back hits from Thompson and McKinley Lenker. Alex Tosch cracked a RBI double to deep left and Hannah Killean put Elevate back on top with a two RBI single. Pavlick tacked on two more runs flaring a two RBI single to shallow right and a routine grounder from Jessica Boman turned into Monkey mayhem in the infield resulting in a two RBI single and a 14-5 Elevate lead.

The Monkeys then channeled some of their former greatness in the top of the sixth inning to climb back into the seemingly hopeless game. Wildman did what he does best, walked. Roberts connected for a RBI double and two more base hits set up Knight and Basile for additional RBI base hits. An automatic out pumped the brakes on the Winehouse train, but Shirley Consedine came up with a clutch RBI triple to keep things going and when Kay singled to score another run, the Monkeys were back to within three.

Spear provided the eventual game-winning hit in the bottom of the sixth when he drove a solo inside the park home run. The Monkeys threatened when Roberts and Evan Sandstrom each singled and scored off a towering three-run home run from Knight, but Elevate’s defense remained calm and turned the final out when Hewmann chased down a pop foul for the final out to seal the 15-14 win.

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