April Fools: Mount CB council explores one-and-done marketing philosophy

“We’re the real town. So many people here that no one comes here anymore”

[ by Kendall Runner ]

The Mount Crested Butte town council decided Tuesday to break away from the north valley in terms of marketing strategy. Under new town manager Isil Peep the town has decided to go for a more summer beach vibe, all year round. The thought is to also throw in some sustainability pablum and work to build more buildings.

“Look, we’re tired of the TAPP nerds talking about trails and filling our rooms with mountain bikers,” explained mayor Janet Rancher. “We want a different client. Someone with a little more adventure in her blood than a dude that wears a helmet on a bike. Wussies. We like the surfer demographic. They don’t need head protection.”

“Yeah! What she said,” agreed councilperson Stove Morris. “Wussies who ride bikes and wear helmets? That’s not our brand!”

“That is part of the move but honestly the wussies are the TAPPs,” clarified council member Roman Klosghjtbvaonbe. “What have they ever done for us? There are so many people here that no one comes here anymore. Thanks a lot TAPP. I for one am tired of trying to explain that I’m not from Crested Butte but the real town of Mount Crested Butte. We have real buildings with three and even four stories, not little postcard shacks. We have real potholes in our roads, not little puddles in the street by a liberal, yellow mural. Crested Butte is filled with rich hippies who say they want affordable housing but sell their houses for a kabillion dollars. We’re the working people. We are the mountain surf tribe!”

“Once we get the word out you can surf up here, no one will stop in that little gingerbread community at the Four-way,” said councilman Duhwayne Leopardertz. “From my perspective – we need a stoplight. Stoplights are for real towns! Tourists expect stoplights.”

Councilperson Loren Colliker briefly expressed concern about the fact there isn’t a beach or a wave in Mount Crested Butte.

“We only want to get them here once,” explained Peep. “The analytics show that a one-and-done strategy can actually be quite lucrative. Once they’re here, and remember that here is not only hard to get to but really hard to get out of, they’ll spend a lot of money to look for the wave and then spend a lot of money to get the heck out here when they can’t find it here.”

“Find what?” asked councilman Michele Picante

“Exactly,” said Kosghjtbvaonbe. “With all this North Village talk, maybe people will confuse it with the world-class North Shore surfing in Hawaii.”

“Think of the fake surfing events we could fund with our Admissions Tax Grant,” said mayor Rancher.

“Definitely,” said Peep. “Based on your retreat, you all feel that you hook them in with the surfer vibe and they have to spend some dough. And some might even come back for the city experience if you keep heading in that direction with more buildings. Has anyone thought about putting an Arts Center up here? It really is a perfect spot. Anyway, we can explore that later. I’m new to the job so am willing to learn from you and see how this works. So we market beach and expand the concrete? It is certainly out-of-the-box thinking but my recommendation would be to give it a go!”

Councilperson Stove Morris had something else to say, but no one noticed his raised emoji hand icon on the Zoom screen so he didn’t get called on.

“Let’s throw in some sustainable stuff with the marketing so we can get them here in jets and Suburbans,” said Colliker. “Tell them we have a solar farm hidden in the woods and a really good bus system in town.”

“Once they’re here they will appreciate the high heating bills and the need to use a gas guzzler to get anywhere,” added councilman Rick Klempin. “Loren is right for that second hook. Hippies with SUVs have a lot of money. Who doesn’t appreciate a good tomato in January? We can provide South American Farm to Winter Table service!”

“As long as they don’t see our coal fired plant,” said Picante. “Or maybe that’s an attraction. Carbon is disappearing on Elk Avenue so we can be the anti-CB carbonites. Let’s give the people something to look at. We should explore methane walking tours and sell bottled Fuji water along the way so we can keep the fresh mountain spring water for ourselves in this drought.”

Because the discussion wasn’t an official agenda item, it was considered void and the council will have to pick back up during the next meeting.

Peeps was seen immediately posting her resume on Indeed.

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