The Crested Butte News Serving the Gunnison Valley since 1999
“It seems so simple when you really think about it…”
[ By Sendit Runner ]
The Crested Butte town council has pushed up its timeline to be a carbon neutral town. Originally the timeline was to cut carbon emissions by 50% before 2030 and 80% by 2045. The council on Monday set a new goal to be 95% carbon neutral by next week.
The discussion started with a moderate target to find 75% carbon neutrality by 2030 but council figured out how to push that up even more through the pre-meeting brainstorming session.
With no real discussion because the clock was ticking, councilmembers enacted an immediate ban within town boundaries on all vehicles running on anything other than pedal power, homes that use heat of any sort, businesses that cook any food, homes that consume any water and pets that fart. That went into effect immediately during the meeting.
“Hell ya!” exclaimed councilman and carbon warrior Jason McPsilocybin. “I can see the colors of a carbon neutral town and it’s green. All shades of green. Green that talks and laughs and makes me laugh. I love the warm embrace of green!”
“It’s not about embracing, yuck. It’s about the carbon-based units you call people but we want a town of happy neutrality,” explained councilwoman Mallica Shagner.
“Wait. What?” asked council redhead Anny Fennerbe. “Let me think about that.”
“Do we really have to ban farting pets,” asked sorta councilmember Kent Cowbeard.
“That is obvious but if we are going to be real, I think we need to ban all carbon. Mallica might be accidentally on to something. If I remember what Lisa Heart taught me in science class last week people are carbon based Sims. Ban every molecule of carbon. Boom!” noted Fennerbe.
“Whoa. What?! That’s a new level of green,” said McPsilocybin.
“We’d be the first 100% carbon neutral town in the world!” said Fennerbe. “It would blow people’s minds.”
“I’m all about blowing people’s minds,” agreed councilwoman Mini Merril on Zoom from Central America.
“Look at that green dot! It’s floating,” laughed McPsilocybin pointing to the space above town manager Dora the Mcxlpora who was shaking her head while applying for the CB South POA manager position.
“Yes it is Jason. Have another lick of the salt block. But who would run this town if we go 100% neutral?” asked mayor Ian Sillyic. “This needs a plan.”
“Will we really need to plan if we lead the world toward the ideal idealism of being ideally 100% carbon neutral?”
“Wow,” chuckled McPsilocybin. “That’s something to think about. It makes me feel all warm and green. Speaking of green, look at the dot. It’s getting bigger and wants to tell me something.”
“Let’s figure out if anyone can stay and keep farting pets out just because,” suggested Chris Hoover. “And let’s do it before Jason hears from the green dot.”
Town attorney Barbara Green crafted an ordinance as quickly as possible so as to never have to drive to Crested Butte again.
“Oh man. I never thought about it. I’m so happy we have an attorney who is green,” said McPsilocybin as he collapsed into a pile of giggles.
