CB Town Council tackles Elk Ave zoning conundrum

“Elk Ave is now a Fal-Zone”

[  by Sue Cherself  ]

Parlaying the publicity of the Vice News humanity story on her philanthropic accomplishments, restaurateur Mayleena Falsone has successfully petitioned the town to establish a new commercial zone, a Fal-zone. In short, it converts all of Elk Avenue into one, amorphous, restaurant seating area for her to explore, much like the gratuitous use of cowbell in Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

“We had two options,” said Trey Rust, from the Town of Crested Butte. “Enforce our existing zoning or give in to the inevitable. We gave an inch, she took the whole town.” 

“I was pleased with the decision,” said Falsone. “Our customers travel in packs. Herds if you will. And they need space to roam freely. They already block the sidewalk and parts of the street like livestock while they wait to get a table. Why not let them roam freely throughout town, my town?”

The phenomenon of her restaurant formulas has hit critical mass.

“We’re really popular, but I don’t get it,” said Falsone. “Our type of customer fought mask mandates because they claimed they weren’t sheep. However, they flock to my restaurants in herds to eat crack fries because everyone else at their church was doing it. RING THE BELL! Another $1,000 tip!”

Those same Plane-Jane visitors have stopped going to Cirque du Soleil to satisfy their repressed fantasies and instead have started coming to CB to see the freaky display of other worldly things like tapestries, gold elephant deities, all things Namaste, as well as interacting with carnival-like employees that have haircuts other than a high fade, have visible forearm tattoos, and, if they’re lucky, practice alternative lifestyles, all while indulging in the exotic spoils of the spice trade, which include ingredients like truffle oil and lettuce on pizza. 

Patron Case Chasem, associate of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, verified the lure of the sensory overload the restaurant offered.

“Look, I have a solid moral compass, but after dinner I traded my Longhorns booster hat for one that has TEXAS bolted on it in giant gold letters. I even gave up my Underarmour shirt for an “our pizza kills” tee,” explains Chasem. “You know, now that I think about it, I’m probably going to get my ass kicked at work on Monday for wearing ‘legalize marinara.’ How do I delete my Instagram post of me talking to Buddha on the phone out front? I’m a dead man.”

At press time, Mayleena was successful in getting the Chamber to change the name and focus of their Butte Bucks program. The name will become Secret Bucks. Chamber representative Scott Clarkston elaborated on the move. “Hey, we’re just trying to stay relevant and this was the best thing we had to work with.” 

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