Plan to attract more money, I mean skiers.
No, actually, money.
[ by Sade Verde ]
Crested Butte Mountain Resort had its biggest season in terms of visitation in the past decade but Vail CEO Kristen Pinch says that isn’t enough. “We’re not in business to make the locals happy. We’re in business to make Wall Street happy. Be Mild!”
Pinch said in a press release from behind the Magic Curtain in Broomfield, “We have to change that perception. People know CB as a hardcore skiers’ mountain. But we’re so much more than that! We have two places to eat at the base area, oversold restaurants in town, a few t-shirt shops that are sometimes open, and a grocery store with shelves half-full. Plus, as long as you’re a multi-millionaire or billionaire, it’s still a lucrative real estate market that isn’t completely blown out just yet. But we’re getting there, and with just a little more work, we’ll be there in no time.”
Apparently historic ski run names that truly stress the difficulty — and consequences of — Crested Butte’s legendary terrain are next on the chopping block.
“Frankly, run names like “Body Bag” and “Dead End Chutes” are not attracting the type of skier or rider we want to bring to Crested Butte,” states Pinch’s press release. “Double-black terrain doesn’t encourage locals to turn their homes into short-term rentals and multi-millionaire accountants from suburbs don’t like to ski difficult terrain. So we are making a few mild updates and difficulty ratings to encourage our visitors to really BE MILD!”
Starting next year, “Body Bag” will be known as ‘Rob’s Happy Time Run.’
“We’ve decided to make an update that pays homage to our rich history as a corporation and our former dear leader Rob Krutz and the capitalist ethos he blessed upon the industry of skiing. Through his imprint of making VR the first true homogenization nation, Rob revolutionized ski executive compensation.” Pinch’s press release states.
Next year, Dead End Chutes will be known as “Whee Fun Trees.”
“We feel that the word dead gives the wrong impression about our terrain here at Crested Butte. We want people to come here and BE MILD!,” says Pinch. “Don’t even talk to me about what was formerly known as Dead Bob’s…I mean Puppy’s Paradise.”
Pinch also says music acts for next year’s Ski Town Breakdown, now called Ski Town Brokedown, will truly embody the BE MILD! slogan as they have already booked John Tesh and Air Supply to headline in 2023. “I hope he plays ‘Give Me Forever.’ I just love that song.”
The only naming changes will be to runs on the map, which means Priapism likely won’t be renamed to Erectile Dysfunction and downgraded to double-green anytime soon. But signs warning anyone of Slide for Life conditions in ski patrol chicken scratch will likely read Closed Indefinitely for Grooming.