Release of Mueller report freaks out town (April Fool’s)

“Rachel Maddow told me it wouldn’t be like this”

By Cay Grettles

The release this week of the long-awaited Mueller report put the town of Crested Butte in a real funk.

The report indicated that not only would no one else be indicted but that the town of Mt. Crested Butte would haul in $3 million in exchange for the Muellers being released from their obligation to build a softball field that would never be built anyway. The move apparently allows the Muellers to collude with two interested property buyers with foreign-sounding names to control large swaths of property inside of Mt. Crested Butte.

“We were always ready to build that field,” assured Tim Mueller. “Diane is a heck of a 16-inch softball shortstop and we’ve always wanted a field named after us. But the opportunity came up and frankly, we want out of this place.”

But the report shook up the town of Crested Butte that got nada. “Watching MSNBC 24/7, I thought we’d get a few indictments and the orange someone—the name of which I refuse to utter—would be heading to prison,” explained Crested Butte mayor Jim Didn’t. “And for some reason the orange one is in a really good mood, Nancy is flummoxed, Jane Chimney is penning another ‘I told you so’ letter, Joe Fitzhatrick wrangles $3 million and a couple of rich guys are colluding to buy hundreds of acres in our bed base? I just don’t get it. Rachel Maddow told me it wouldn’t be like this.”

Councilman Bill DujarPupon tried to explain that there were two different Muellers but the council was having none of it.

“A Mueller is a Mueller is a Mueller and we had a relationship with a Mueller once,” clarified council rep Lora Michellll, who once dodged an arrow from Ethan Mueller while riding Columbine on her Hobie Cat.

“The reason Mt. Crested Butte is getting $3 million and we are getting diddly is that they say they like the OVPP and you keep saying we don’t but I do and you should and Mueller would,” said councilman Ru Paul Merz to Didn’t. “If Kent were still here he’d agree with me.”

“I’m still here,” noted perpetual council audience member Kent Growherd, who hasn’t missed a meeting since resigning. “Can you please buy the Mueller home for affordable housing? I think we can get it cheap. They want out of here and we got that ADU settlement thing going for us—I mean you.”

“No indictments? $3 mill? Strange how things are different. Tucker Carlson getting better ratings than Cuomo? We have to stop this change. But let’s listen to the people before we talk about this,” added Jaxon Potato.

“Let’s start developing a plan on what we would do with the $3 million if it came to us,” suggested councilman Kris Havenot. “I think we need a planning subcommittee. You never know when $3 mill will drop in our laps.”

“It’s not coming to us,” screamed new councilmember Candise Brashme with her head in her hands.

“I love it. Love it. I took the bet at 5-2 that Mt. Crested Butte would pull in more than $2.5 million. Hippies in Crested Butte don’t understand the real world,” exclaimed sometimes–Mt. Crested Butte mayor Todd Barn. “I saw Tim Maker at the craps table and we put it all on red and it worked out great for the shareholders—I mean citizens. Crested Butte just will never understand how reality works. Come on, red!”

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