School district to turn on Gunnison cell tower Friday (April Fool’s)

Tied into girls soccer run

by Catherine Peddles

The Gunnison Watershed School District will be honoring its contract with Verizon Wireless and turning on the cell tower at the high school this Friday. “We unfortunately have a contract,” explained district superintendent Dr. Leslie Tickles. “But the good news is we think it will help the Titan girls soccer team.”

Given the amount of snow this winter in both Crested Butte and Gunnison, there is not a field available for the girls to practice on or host home games. That will change this week with the help of the cell tower.

“After careful, meticulous research we decided to let Verizon turn on the cell tower this Friday about noon. We expect the field to be melted about two hours later,” promised Tickles. “While we haven’t found any impacts on people from the wireless radiation associated with the tower, it is well documented that the cell tower can aid in melting snow. In fact, it can melt just about anything.”

The school board will allow the tower to be activated Friday afternoon only until 5 p.m. in order to allow the field to not only melt the four feet of snow that covers the area but to also dry out the field. Gunnison residents can expect the fastest cell phone service ever.

“I’ve been told that people will only have to think who they want to call and the phone will connect immediately,” said school board president Tyler More-you-know. “As for data, it will be like having a NSA super computer in your pocket.”

“We recommend everyone take advantage of the five hours but, whatever you do—don’t get used to it,” said Gunnison city manager Ross Woods. “We want people to understand that dropped calls, slow connections, inability to text are all the norm and part of our charm. And if we have one thing in spades down here, it is charm.”

The girls soccer team has been advised to wear lead shin-guards and plenty of sunscreen when utilizing the field. They can then expect their opponents to slow way down about ten minutes into the first half and suffer a major meltdown (literally) before the end of the second. But that is all part of the home field advantage.

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