Fire District partners with private homeowner

Plans include hot tubs and lap pool

[  By Ken Lobo  ]

The Crested Butte Hunks to Protect From Fire District (CBHPFD) and the owners of the controversial Wandering-Away Willows (WAW) mansion in the Slate River Wetlands have announced plans for a partnership. 

After Crested Butte Town Council expressed concerns about the fire district’s conceptual design for the new 42,000-square-foot North Campus located across from the Pyramid Avenue sledding hill, owners of Wandering-Away Willows offered to house the fire district’s new campus at their forever home site. 

 “We see this potential partnership as a win-win for the community. We heard that the community was upset with the size and location of our home, but now that it will be a fire station, we believe the community will see this as a positive forever development in the middle of tons of water and bird habitat, not to mention so close to the forest that might potentially burn down,” Twerk Pickleson said, owner of the Wandering Away Willows development.  “Plus, it will bring pride to our community seeing the fire district’s flag flying high over the elk bedding ground.” 

The hunks at the fire district aimed to build their forever home, a facility that would endure the next 50 years. The Wandering Away Willows development is only half the size of the proposed fire campus, so the community can expect about 25 years out of this firehouse, but the development will include a lap pool for the fire personnel to train in and multiple hot tubs for them to relax in, while they wait for any fires or emergencies. 

In order to appease the hippy NIMBY neighbors at Bird Drop Hill, adjacent to the Wandering-Away Willows property, the district has agreed to paint the fire engines and ambulances to look like elk, complete with trophy size racks. The sirens will now sound like quacking geese, and during construction, the district has also agreed to convert the existing crane towering over the wetlands into Great Blue Heron nests. 

“We were a little disappointed that the town council did not just approve our conceptual plans and allow us to break ground next week, so we were thrilled when Twerk approached us with his generous offer, proving the private sector can make a positive difference in the community,” district representative Sodd Bozarbuster of Bozarbuster Development Advisors, LLC, said.     

With the new Twerk Pickleson budget, the district also has plans to purchase a Fire Fighting Super Stand Up Paddle Board (FFSSUP) to operate along the banks of the Slate Rive in the Aperture subdivision. 

“This SUP will help us to put out any fires along the Slate River while allowing the firefighters to show off their chiseled abs,” district chief executive officer Bean Coffee said. “I mean, this station crew works hard to keep their bodies tight, and this will allow them a chance to show off the goods while keeping everyone safe.” 

Town councilwoman Monique Mountainbike said this partnership, “just blew her mind.” 

“I mean, we live in an amazing community where we can turn a negative into a positive, and get to see some sexy firefighters in speedos while they wash their cars,” she said. 

With all the hot tubs, climbing gym and spa-like amenities at the WAW development, the firefighters might get even more ripped, Mountainbike added.

Community development director Roy Fuss mentioned that since the development will now be in unincorporated Gunnison County, yet right next to town, the fact the town was asking the Fire District to adopt 2021 International Building Codes — up-to-date and relevant sustainability and green building standards for today’s climate crisis facing world — those common sense energy efficient codes “won’t come into play.”

 “This will make it much easier for the district to get the campus into legacy status ASAP,” Fuss said. “That will fast track the annexation process of the acreage on Pyramid Avenue so shovels can hit the ground this summer on all those investment properties.” 

Fuss went on to say that he understands developers, builders and real estate agents want to cash in as quickly as possible on this beautiful valley. 

“It makes sense that the affluent folks see our wonderful town as an investment, and the town’s idea of sustainability and true legacy projects are affecting their bottom line. That’s just not fair or the American way,” Fuss said.

Crested Butte mayor Neon Biology reiterated what a wonderful partnership this is. “The hippies are happy, the richies are happy, and the ladies are happy.”