[ by Darwin Wasaliar ]
With masks, critical theory and LGBTQ issues still playing out, the same concerned citizens have decided to go to the root of all evil and the Gunnison Watershed RE1J district school board is once again bracing for another round of public theatrics. This time they’ve focused their disdain for evolution in the curriculum. An emergency hearing commenced Wednesday to solicit community concerns.
“My son came home from school yesterday and said his teacher told him he was related to chimpanzees!” barked parent Todd Gomize. “Now I know that some of my relatives aren’t too pleasing on the eye, especially Aunt Gretel, but saying I’m related to a monkey is something I won’t stand for. It just hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad. Monkeys are dirty. I’ve seen them throw feces at Disney workers.”
“I hear your concerns Mr. Gomize, but the state mandates the science curriculum,” replied Superintendent Lesley Nickles.
“I agree with Gomize,” chimed a person who neither lives here nor has a kid in the school. “I want schools to teach the basics, get back to the Jefferson age, you know equality for all and math. That’s it.”
“Actually, I think our school is doing a great job preparing us for the real world and exposing us to new ideas like evolution,” said Shirley Yourjokin, a junior at CBCS. “In fact I think I’ll eat my lunch on the floor and throw my food.”
“Great idea!” Nickels responded as she watched Yourjokin walk away from the microphone on her knuckles.
“You see,” cried Gomize. “You keep teaching evolution and it’ll turn into chaos in the schools. Welcome to the Monkey House! Which, by the way, should also be banned from the library. There’s a drawing of a butthole in that book.”
“Actually, that was in his book Breakfast of Champions,” replied 9th grader Billy Weston.
“Or at the least move it to the big and tall shelves where no one except beanpole perverts can access it,” suggested concerned citizen Becky Wite.
Nickels then excused herself from the meeting to go back to court for another pending lawsuit regarding a push to move the district to same sex schooling.
“Same sex schooling!,” exclaimed Gomize. “I didn’t see anything about that in my internet searches. Ban same sex schooling! Ban same sex schooling!”
“Actually, it’s about separating the district into boys’ schools and girls’ schools,” said Nickels.
“Oh, ok, nevermind,” said Gomize. “Same sex schooling! Same sex schooling!”
“Nevermind is right,” said Nickels as she drove away never to return.
“Nevermind! Nevermind!” chanted the crowd until the internet shut down and they couldn’t think of anything else to say.