The Crested Butte News Serving the Gunnison Valley since 1999
“I’m getting turned on just thinking about myself snowblading”
By Than Acuff
Once again, the Headwall was lit up with an incredible display of true athleticism on Saturday, March 30 as the venue for the Snowblade Extremes and, once again, it did not disappoint.
Last year, Abby Philbrick and Amanda Whiteford kicked down the gender barrier at the Snowblade Extremes emerging as champions. This year, Kenzie Lisac forged her own path, and hopefully a path for more women, to take the 2024 women’s title.
“I’m stoked to take the women’s title,” says Lisac. “But I’m coming for the overall title next year. Ben Blackwood’s plastic doll can’t compare to the real thing. We only had a handful of women this year and we need more. Women in this town can ride tiny sticks better than most.”
Yet, amongst all the chaos in the world, one thing has returned to normal—Ben Blackwood is the Snowblade Extremes champion. It is the 10th title of his career, and he took some time to reflect on his return to the top.
Welcome back to the top! How does it feel?
There are a lot of emotions flowing through me right now, but the world seems right again. Winning the Snowblade World Championship for the 10th time was my destiny, so it feels amazing to finally fulfill what to many was an unimaginable goal. The stars have aligned, and if we can just spread word of this accomplishment to every corner of Earth, I sincerely believe we might be able to achieve world peace.
It’s been what, two years? How did you make it back?
It took some work. I knew I couldn’t waste this opportunity, so I brought in an elite team of trainers—Andrew J. Stein along with three focused and relentless sisters named Sara, Becky and Megan MacDonald. They used unorthodox techniques, including daily après, hours upon hours of cocktailing and keeping me up most of the night, but it worked. That training led to perhaps the best run of my illustrious career and, therefore, possibly the greatest run in the history of mankind.
Did you ever think you’d be back on top?
Nothing was going to stop me from getting back to the top of the podium. Abby Philbrick and Amanda Whiteford wore the championship belt better than any others, besides me, but as we waited at the start gate, I didn’t have the heart to tell them I was going to be winning it back that day. Nobody was getting in my way.
Even if Jesus Christ himself showed up to the competition on his rainbow-colored unicorn and turned everybody’s beers into wine, like he did in the Gospel of John section of the Bible, I still would’ve won. Isn’t that what happened in the Bible? I could be getting my fairytales mixed up. The brainwashing I received from the Catholic Church as a kid may finally be wearing off. Regardless, I had my line dialed, knew my airs and performed in front of the entire crowd. I just banged it out. I showed Jesus what heaven really is. Heaven is watching Ben Blackwood shred on snowblades.
What did you learn during your title dry spell?
Life without that Snowblade Championship Belt was humbling, but I learned a lot during those two long years of darkness.
I would say the most important lesson learned was that the sun will always rise the next day. Each morning, I would gaze outside at the first rays of daylight as they sparkled in the snow or glistened on the morning dew, while the birds in the trees sang their songs. And let me tell you about those mornings—they all sucked. The sunrise would be a bunch of stupid colors, and the light would burn my eyeballs. The dew made my shoes all wet, and I wished those incessant chirping birds would shut their goddamn beaks.
But everything has changed the last several days since regaining the championship. Mornings have been quite pleasant, and the birds and I are cool again. Things have really turned around.
Give me the order of dominance as far as modern-day athletic supremacy. Ben Blackwood, Tom Brady, Lebron James, Pat O’Neill, Messi, Kelly Slater, etc.
When thinking of all the greatest athletes in the world, how do you not put Ben Blackwood with my 10 world championships at the top of the list? Think about it. Lionel Messi jogs in circles on a flat piece of grass kicking a ball and has only one World Cup trophy. Tom Brady pranced around on grass but threw a ball around instead of kicking it and has only seven championships. Kelly Slater won 11 surfing world titles, but riding liquid water is obviously way easier than riding frozen water down a mountain. LeBron James has just four titles from tossing a little orange ball into a ring while skipping around on a flat, wooden rectangle. Michael Jordan has six championships, but everyone knows he’s an overrated a-hole. Pundits like to argue over who was better between LeBron and Jordan. To put it into perspective, you have to combine their championships to reach the 10 that I have.
As bladers, we rip down the steepest terrain you can throw at us over snow, ice and rocks, exuding sexual energy with every turn, while hucking cliffs and tearing through trees. I’m getting turned on just thinking about myself snowblading. None of those other clowns compare to this level of greatness, and I rank every blader I know above all of them.
The one athlete that gives me hesitation is local legend Pat O’Neill and his 11 wins in the Al Johnson Race. I’m impressed. I heard he has also done well at this Grand Traverse thing, but walking on skis to Aspen? That’s it?! No cliffs to jump off? Are they throwing daffy’s and crotch-grab spread eagles while on course? No?? That competition doesn’t sound very difficult. Maybe do the Grand Traverse on snowblades and then come talk to me.
Is this it? You’ve knocked off successive titles, you’ve fallen and risen back to the top, what’s left to prove?
Pat O’Neill and his AJ wins inspire me, and I will keep grinding until I match and exceed his 11 titles. Thanks for the inspiration, Pat.
“Given all my accomplishments, most would think I have nothing left to prove, but I do. There is an impressive group of expert bladers on my tails – Matt Evans, Erik Hilb, Connor Sample, Trevor Sorenson, Grant Spear, Abby & Amanda, Will Jarvis, Scott Stewart, Kenzie Lisac, Seve Petersen, Alex Mattes-Ritz, Quinn Glaess, Bobby Block, and whoever the hot woman on tele-blades was. Plus, Mark Robbins and Montana Wiggins likely would’ve ended up somewhere between 2nd and 5th place if they weren’t injured right now. And Lawson Yow claimed he had something more important to do this year and couldn’t make it, which is obviously a lie, so I don’t even know what to say about him. To these athletes, I will always have something to prove. And I will. I plan to show them that I am and forever will be the greatest snowblader in this or any universe. You can count on it.”
