APRIL FOOLS: Local man sets record for washing hands

Time to revisit the Butte?

by Kendra Stroller

An Irwin man has set the county record for washing his hands. Larry McGeon has been socially isolated for the last 14 years out of choice, hence his decision to live in Irwin. But upon learning of the coronavirus through an accidental HAM Radio broadcast, and the most effective way to stop its spread, Larry immediately began washing hands…something he hadn’t done in 14 years.

“Honestly, I’d taken a break from most personal hygiene measures as is the norm up here in paradise, but I decided to do my part to save the world and follow the recommendation to wash my hands while singing the Happy Birthday song,” Larry explained. “Well, it felt so good to have that warm liquid running over my skin I didn’t want to stop. So I haven’t. I’m 27 hours in and while it makes me have to pee, luckily my propane water heater sink is right next to the toilet. Happy Birthday to you…”

When asked if his hands were getting chapped, Larry admitted there was some chapping resulting from the move but it felt so good he didn’t care. “I didn’t know what I was missing for years,” he said. “The feel of warmth on my digits is like a dream. I’m starting to question my life choices being up here. If everyone down in Crested Butte is socially isolating like we all do up here anyway, maybe it’s time for me to walk back into the Grubstake and McDell’s. Can I still get cabrito in the Powerhouse?”

The previous record for county hand washing was held by a Pitkin resident who didn’t know what to do when his over-the-air Russian television shows went off the air after the new Met Rec board was elected. He washed his hands for a mere 16 hours, 37 minutes before moving to Irwin. That record is now in shambles.

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