APRIL FOOLS: Re1J school board looks at cheaper expansion

“We see it working now so it can save us money in the future”

By Kayla Vidmar

The Gunnison Watershed school district board of directors has decided to further investigate an inexpensive solution to the proposed Crested Butte Community School campus expansion. The CBCS is maxing out and the use of modulars has already been implemented. The board has been in the process of looking at traditional CBCS expansions that would cost anywhere between $30 million and $60 million. But the current COVID-19 situation has highlighted a potential solution that would be much less expensive for the district.

“Watching how successful the recently mandated home school order has been, the board is investigating whether it is feasible to simply have middle school students in grades 5-8 continue the home schooling process indefinitely,” explained district superintendent Lesley Nichols. “Virtual learning eliminates the need for actual classroom space, actual gymnasium space and actual cafeteria space. The board is open to all ideas but this one seems to have struck a chord with everyone from the board to the administration to the teachers.”

“It was like a light bulb suddenly went on for all of us at the same time,” added school board member Tyler Martinau. “Why build something new when we can accomplish the same learning goals without the hassle of and cost of a new facility?”

“The truth is that the middle school age group is always a difficult group of kids,” said Nichols. “It’s not really their fault, what with hormones raging and 13-year-olds trying to figure out what scholarship they need to get into Stanford and all. There’s nothing like putting pressure on a wayward kid at that age. The only teacher we had that liked teaching that group…until he didn’t…was Pat O’Squeal. That guy spent most of his day waxing about literature, reminiscing about the great Sand Dune competitions and telling fart jokes. The kids loved him. But even he got sick of that age group and quit to talk about $2 steaks. So this not only saves us a lot of money at the district level, it provides a giant relief to teachers assigned to instruct that age group. Plus honestly, I’m a little tired of watching kids in puberty who trip over their shoelaces brag about how good they are at sports because their parents spent $5,000 on a summer camp. Why not just get them an online medal and call it good? Sorry.”