April Fools: CB South invests in new stop signs

“It worked for bitcoin…”

[ by Tibor Henswage ]

In an effort to shore up district finances into the future, the CB South Metropolitan District has invested heavily in stop signs that have been installed, let’s say, “strategically” throughout the community. “We need a reliable source of income into the future during these unprecedented times and it was either stop signs or slow and steady diversified portfolio management… we decided on the former,” said district manager Rennie Bunson. The signs were acquired from Costco municipal supplies, Inc.

Residents have reported an uptick in the number of stop signs throughout the neighborhood, making many late for work.

“It started with just a few. Then every intersection became a four-way stop. Then they were at the end of cul-de-sacs. This morning I had one at the end of my driveway and just outside my front door. I’m stopping more than the Silver Queen lift during spring break,” said CB South resident Benihana Eatin.

While inconvenient for things like running errands, efficient traffic flow and basic quality of life, Bunson insists the stop signs’ benefits are two-fold. “First off, safety always comes first at CB South, which is why we encourage mountain lions to cull our roaming bands of feral dogs. Secondly, investing in stop signs today seems about as arbitrary as investing in bitcoin a decade ago… and if I had done that, do you think I’d be the district manager of some podunk bedroom community that plays third fiddle in the north end of the valley?” he mused. “Residents need to get used to it. The stop signs are here to stay, just like the dandelions and washboard switchbacks.”

To save money, the Metro District purchased the signs in partnership with the state of Georgia, which planned to utilize their signs in front of all voting precincts. “It was a win-win for us,” said Georgia governor Bran Hemp, “We get to keep voting sacred by making sure people don’t do it, and Bunson’s quaint little hamlet gets whatever they were hoping for… pagan rituals and whatnot.” The partnership allowed both entities to purchase in bulk, with each securing roughly 10,000 units.

“We’ve installed about half our order,” said Hemp, “and I’ll be honest we’re not sure what to do with the rest.” Meanwhile, Bunson and his team have taken delivery and successfully installed the entirety of the their order. “And that was just in the flats.”