Conspiracy Theories…

It all makes sense.
The weather.
The political issues arising in town.
The rash of strange actions by locals.

There has been some weird stuff going down around here recently. Can we blame it on Mercury in retrograde? Many believe Mercury’s retrograde periods can cause plans to go awry. Between late January and this past Wednesday, February 11, we have all been in that phase. Has your life been all smooth sailing these last couple of weeks? Really? No breakdowns or computer problems?
Mercury in retrograde tends to make people a little tense. That could explain the formation of a new effort in the valley for a One World Prosperity Project. Secret (or not so secret) meetings have been held while Mercury was retrograding.
Getting 40 or 50 of the “leaders” in the valley to come together and agree on a common vision of valley-wide prosperity sounds like a definite conspiracy theory. Rumors are that they will indoctrinate those visions to the common people through vaccinations made available through free beer at local festivals. Will the “values” include skiing, art and education? Will we have to agree to protect the pristine environment, abundant access to the great outdoors and heritage ranches? Will we all have to agree that we live here for the exact same reasons? Kumbaya, people!

Can we blame the weather weirdness on contrails and atmospheric geoengineering? Who is manipulating the weather and pushing wet weather east and warm weather west? Is it a move to test the breaking points of humans in different geographical locations? We want the feet and feet of snow and Boston doesn’t. Boston wants 50 degrees every day in February and we don’t.
Most people are acutely aware of the current Junuary phenomenon. New temperature records are being set in Gothic every other day. It hit 50 degrees there early this month. There are new records in Crested Butte for not only warm temperatures but for numbers of locals talking about the “bizarre weather.” Unofficially, someone in Crested Butte is using a phrase that includes the words “weather” and “strange,” “bizarre” or “weird” 19 out of every 24 hours. I have been shown documented pictorial evidence of dandelions starting to bloom in Mt. Crested Butte in February. The damn dandelions will take over the world. And then it will start snowing in April and not end until Ride the Rockies. Contrail consequences are killer.

Why do you think there wasn’t even an inkling of a Mardi Gras parade this year until less than a week before Fat Tuesday? You don’t think the New World Order had anything to do with that? Be real. Suddenly a last-second application from the Flauschink Committee (a real cult of local polka-ers who identify themselves through subtle headwear) appears in the Crested Butte town hall. Out of nowhere there is at least a 50-50 chance that at 5 o’clock this Tuesday there will be a hurricane-carrying hippie marching up Elk Avenue with a funny hat. That smells of New World Order, my friends. And Lord knows there is nothing that packs the streets like a Flauschink parade.

And think about this: Art Centers. Two of them. Big ones. Expensive ones. Located three miles apart. Both trying to be The One. Both trying to raise tens of millions of dollars in fiat currency. How many temples can the Illuminati of the valley build to themselves? How many Peter Kater or Tony Furtado concerts can 1,500 people take? Transferring wealth from the valley’s poor and middle class to the already rich through concerts and beer sales is a threat the übers won’t worry about.

And then there’s the VRBO chips. Local worker bees like bartenders, waitresses, lift ops and bus drivers have been lobbying to have chips implanted in those who own homes in Crested Butte. Tracking those who rent rooms and homes to the wanderers who want to come and spend money here? Of course. Implant a VRBO chip to make sure that if the house or room is empty, they will be compelled to rent them to people with a dog and/or post office box.

Throw in the fact that some want to “market” us as some sort of capital. We are already calling ourselves the Wildflower Capital of Colorado, the Nordic Capital of Colorado, the Whatever Capital of the World, and the Weed Capital of Belleview. Now just because we have great single track and a ton of people riding around on two wheels, we want to be the Mountain Bike Capital of summer. Sounds like some sort of false flag operation to get people to come here and raft. What is the new TA thinking? Too much fluoride in the water? Mountain biking is old school. Why not promote telemarking? Go back to the growing demographic of ice fishing.

Don’t even get me started about the conspiracy theory that postulates a four-person cabal in Crested Butte South secretly figured out how to vote in the last Crested Butte town election to sink a tax increase so that subdivision could eventually become the valley hub of everything recreational—and well, of course it’s all true.

And why is it that Presidents’ Day Weekend, Mardi Gras and Valentine’s Day all are squeezed together in a weird time continuum? Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. Only the Lizard People living below the Gunnison Airport and underneath the Alpine Express’ buses know for sure.

Now contrary to those that think they can connect the dots between what I wrote last week and what’s in the paper this week…I am not smoking more weed.